Master of the House (Les Miserables)

by Claude-Michel Schonberg

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Come on, you old pest, fetch a bottle of your best
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What's the nectar of the day
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Here, try this lot, guaranteed to hit the spot
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Or I'm not  Thenardier
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Gissa glass of rum
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Landlord, over here
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Right away, you scum
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Right away, Monsieur
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God, this place has gone to hell
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So you tell me every year
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Mine host Thenardier, he was there, so they say
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At the field of Waterloo
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Got there, it's true, when the fight was all through
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But he knew just what to do
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Crawling through the mud, so  I've heard it said
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Picking through the pockets of the English dead
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He made a  tidy  score from the spoils of war
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My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes
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My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
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My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
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Homing pigeons homing in
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They fly through my doors, and their money's good as yours
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Ain't got a clue what he put  into this stew
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Must have scraped it off the street
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God, what a wine, Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
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Must have pressed it with his feet
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Landlord, over  here
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Where's the bloody man
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One more for the road
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One more slug of gin
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Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in
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Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
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And meet the best innkeeper in town
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As for the rest, all of them crooks
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Rooking the guests and cooking the books
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Seldom do you see honest men like me
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A gent of good intent who's content to be
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Master of the house, doling out the charm
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Ready with a handshake and an open  palm
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Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
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Customers appreciate  a bon viveur
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Glad to do a friend a favor, doesn't cost me to be nice
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But nothing gets you nothing
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Everything has got  a  little price
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Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
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Ready to relieve them of a sou or two
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Watering the wine, making up the weight
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Picking up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
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 Everybody  loves a landlord, everybody's bosom friend
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I  do whatever pleases
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Jesus, won't I bleed them in the end
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Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
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Never wants a passerby to pass him by
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Servant to the poor, butler to the great
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Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
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Everybody's boon companion, everybody's chaperone
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But lock up your valises
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Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone
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Enter, Monsieur, lay down your load
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Unlace your boots and rest from the road
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This weighs a ton, travel's a curse
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But here we strive to lighten your purse
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Here the goose is cooked, here the fat is fried
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And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied
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Food beyond compare, food beyond belief,
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Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
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Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
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Filling up the sausages with this and that
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Residents are more than welcome, bridal suite is occupied
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Reasonable  charges plus some little extras  on the side
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Charge them for the lice, extra for the mice
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Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
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Here a little slice, there a little cut
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Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
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When it comes to fixing prices
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There are lots of tricks he knows
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How it all increases, all the bits and pieces
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Jesus, it's amazing  how it grows
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Master of the house, quick to catch your eye
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Never wants a passerby to pass him by
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Servant to the poor, butler to the great
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Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate
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Everybody's boon companion, give them everything I've got
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Dirty bunch of geezers, Jesus, what a sorry little lot
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I used to dream that I would meet a prince
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But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since
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Master of the house isn't worth my spit
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Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong shit
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Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
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Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
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What a   cruel  trick of nature
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Landing me with such a  louse
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God knows how I've lasted
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Living with this bastard in the house
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Master of the house, master and a half
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Comforter, philosopher, don't make me laugh
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Servant to the poor, butler to the great
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Hypocrite and toady and  inebriate 
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 Everybody  bless the landlord
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 Everybody  bless his spouse
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 Everybody  raise a glass 
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Raise it up the master's ass
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 Everybody  raise a glass to the master of the house